Goal! ...I mean Touchdown!

Daniel is officially a Texas Longhorn.  Which in turn, as I am his wife, makes me the apprehensive holder of an Official Texas All-Sports year long pass. Yes, ONE YEAR!  Daniel has committed me to an entire year of attending Texas sports.  And today, since apparently fall is football season, we will be attending the first game of the season. (Yay?)

As I grew up in a home where watching sports equivalent to reading right to left, I have little knowledge on the subject. Which as you well know is the polar opposite of households in the South.  Down here football is an obsession, devotion and nothing short of a way of life.  The people of Texas bleed BURNT ORANGE. 

Here is what I think I know about football (which may or may not be right):

1. Two teams play against each other.  The teams consist of some large men that could easily be mistaken for Bigfoot.

2. A football field is 100 yards long.  The 50 yard line is the middle but apparently not where they start (Daniel informed me of this just this morning).

3. There is a pole at each end of the field (end-zone?) which has 3/4 of a very large square on top of it.

4. They use brown ball with a point on each end with white stitches on it.

5. Players throw the ball, catch it and sometimes kick it (but I think there are only certain times when they are allowed to kick it).

6. Players try to get the ball to their end of the field, but not necessarily through the 3/4 square on the pole.

7.  I'm fairly sure after they get a touchdown (Touchdown NOT goal...I always get this wrong, which Daniel finds funny but embarrassing) the team's kicker (I know... you're impressed that I know that word) gets to try to kick the ball into the 3/4 square.

8.  A touchdown is 7 points and I have some faint memory that if you kick it in you get 3 points.

9.  There are 4 quarters in a game. 

10. The games take FOREVER because the game gets paused a lot (I don't know why this happens).

11.  If one of the players in holding the ball ALL the other players jump on top of him(I don't know why this happens either).

12. Football is the most complicated sport EVER!

Yep, that about sums it up.

My goal is to learn three more things at each game.

Now you are probably wondering why I am so uneasy about attending these football games.  And you might be thinking it is merely because I don't understand how the game works.  Well, you are dead wrong.  The real reason I am concerned is that I have a few irrational phobias and misconceptions that I will now admit:

#1 Stampede vs. Stampede - Is there really a difference?:

This is a LONGHORN stampede.

  {The person who took this picture is most likely dead}

I find this frightening. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a LONGHORN stampede.

{Notice the person who took this picture was smart enough to take it from high ground and is most likely not dead}

I also find this frightening because in my mind I cannot separate this picture from the one above.

#2: The Players:

In my head I have this image of a whole team of football players.

The best way I can explain what I am picturing is a mixture of a few things.

First, Bigfoot.

 {8 feet tall with 2 inch canine teeth, covered in hair}

,

 Second, A Viking.

{I think it's the whole helmet with horns and axe thing}

 And Third, This Man.

{390 pounds}

Wouldn't you be scared?

#3 The Pile Up:

I have a strange fear of getting stuck at the bottom of one of these:

#4 Longhorns vs. Hang Loose - Two very different things. :

This is the hand sign that EVERYONE does to mean Longhorns.

 This is the hand sign I automatically do when I try to do Longhorns.

{For those who don't know this is the hand symbol that means "Hang Loose."}

'

So far this small thumb-finger mix up has been humorous, but I have a feeling these diehard Texans ain't gon' think it so dan' hilarious.

I figure as long as I don't accidentally hold the horns upside down I should be able to narrowly escape with my life.

Well that about sums it up. Next, let me just introduce you to two last crazy facts about the Texas Longhorns.

First, THIS is the Stadium.

Fact: It holds 100,119 fans!

And Lastly, their mascot is a REAL LIVE LONGHORN!

Fact: His name is Bevo.

P.S. I want to have a football party JUST so I can make THESE: